my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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