Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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