these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
