i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
