So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
