If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
