btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
