I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
