Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
