Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
