yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
His nipple licking is glorious
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