i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
