he thought i was a dude.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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