Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
