There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
