now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
