I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
