remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
