Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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