Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
