Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Small penises have feelings too.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
