I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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