Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
