i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
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