Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
