Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
