listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
