I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
