I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
