he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
