last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
