I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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