11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
