If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
