alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
They have beer where we have blood.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
