Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Every concussion has its silver lining
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
