I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
