Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
