this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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