made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Randomize
