Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
