He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
