You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
