the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
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