About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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