You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
