You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
