I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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