How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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