He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
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