I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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